I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
