I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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