You made me cry and you don't even care
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
