i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
