I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize