yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
