Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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