Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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