I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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