I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
