I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
