woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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