you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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