You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize