I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
