Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
