My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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