The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
