I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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