if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
