I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
