you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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