Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
