I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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