"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
