Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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