apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
