I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
