I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
