Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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