no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
