Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
