and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Damn victory sex feels great
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
