I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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