I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
