I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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