he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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