She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
