I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
