I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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