I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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