oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
