probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
