Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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