I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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