She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize