3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
