dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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