Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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