Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
