Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize