i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
